Here goes as I write my notes from yesterday morning, unfiltered.
4:40 AM; Startled shaken, suddenly awake. overdramatic? Maybe, but I don’t think so. Feels very startling then something falls off the nightstand loud; jolting! As my kneecap begins to throb yet again; right tendons and muscles cry out in pain and spasms in protest—I could really use a good cry; tears silent, tears try to form but nothing. Like a dried out well.
Always silent are just below the surface, trying to erupt, but shy just below the surface pooling, but never falling. Even this is rare, perhaps I’ve cried them all out over the years. Scarce for decades…
In 63 years, I’m not sure when exactly they retreated. It’s been a very long time since they’ve dared escape and fall down my cheeks freely. Only in the rare, hardest of times will one or two dare to surface. I guess perhaps my body/subconscious, finally began to believe all those times someone would say you’re too emotional; too sensitive; lighten up; comments carelessly tossed dismissing you because they’re uncomfortable with your transparency and vulnerability or just can’t be bothered with you at the moment. But I digress.
One more small bunny trail:
As I write this, an old song comes to mind out of nowhere seemingly.
“The Warrior is a Child”
Twila Paris 1984
This is a song I related to very much in a very stressful time in my young life, shortly after its release. It tends to circle back from time to time and I realize how true it is in my life. I wonder if anyone else feels this way— it is especially poignant at those times when those closest to you; your support system, are all busy or self- involved to be available when you need them. Don’t misunderstand, this is a good thing, it reminds you that there is only One who never leaves you for sakes you.
Back to that, raging alarm clock and crying body parts refusing to cooperate as something crashes to the floor and I long for tears to release my frustration. Finally, my wakeful mind starts to kick in and my next thought is to silence the alarm. You know, the one for your husband to wake him up because you still have an hour and a half of snoozes before you must be up yourself. Not today though, you’re both awake now.
Involuntarily these words came quietly out from somewhere deep within:
“I wish for once, I could just sleep.— sleep until I woke up on my own— refreshed, well rested, no interruptions—and taking care of myself for a change
instead of everyone else.”
I instantly felt quite selfish and yes, guilty for those quiet words. You see, I’m a wife, a mother and a grandmother. I love to take care of people, to nurture and do what I can. Mostly, it’s a joy and a pleasure taking care of others, but there are days that you need to take care of yourself.
Apparently this was one of those days. Or, perhaps I truly need for someone to take care of me occasionally. It was a soft, almost pitiful comment; the last few months have been challenging, trying to heal accidental but stubborn injury in the midst of a couple of challenging if not arduous years.
Both awake now and my husband preparing for the day ahead; no need for the snooze button or the secondary alarm to get him going—I lay quietly thinking about my words. I recall the song mentioned. Pondering the chorus:
“They don’t know
That I come running home when I fall down
They don’t know
Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child”
Hassled, heavy, hurt, and needing this reminder of where my focus belongs and where my help comes from. Thank you, Jesus! You are always there, even when I don’t feel like it, even in the silence and the quiet, even when I need more sleep and a healing touch to a painful limb and joint; when I need refreshment, and even when it doesn’t come readily; you are always there! I can find calm, peace, and rest when I seek you.
Chorus:
“But they don’t see the enemies
That lay me at his feet
They don’t know
That I come running home when I fall down
They don’t know
Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
‘Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child”
Now it’s time—time to wake up my granddaughter for school; to put on my grown up clothes; face this day and its challenges; time to seek the One who understands, who sees me when no one else does.
Breakfast ✅
School drop-off ✅
Homework drop ✅
Quiet devotional ✅
Gratitude ✅
Healing, rest—in progress
Peace/calm ✅
Like my vanishing tears my writing is also seen a dry season and this is not my typical post, but I’m hoping that it will encourage someone who is in a similar time or experiencing difficulties that are relatable to the story. We live in a busy and often chaotic world and it’s easy for us to come to a place where we feel unseen or unimportant; conversely, we may get caught up in the busyness and fail to see those most important to us when they need us the most. But there is One who never leaves us nor forsakes us. That is our Creator, the God who sees (Genesis 16:13)
““Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone?”
Matthew 7:7-9 NASB1995
May His grace and peace be with you as you ask, seek, and knock in search of Him!
“The Lord bless you, and keep you; The Lord make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.’”Numbers 6:24-26 NASB1995
Living in His Grace 